No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Everyone says I win the strip club
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
