She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize