watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
