I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
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