Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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