How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
