I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
