so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
