I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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