Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize