For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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