Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
