It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
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