If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
