I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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