I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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