My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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