her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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