Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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