The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
try to milk me bitch
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize