so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
