I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Watching her eat just hurts me
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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