I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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