FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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