So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Randomize
