it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
