i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I looked at my own cervix.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
