How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The air taste purple.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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