i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
