My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize