I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
