i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize