Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
