she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
