My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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