The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
