just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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