And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize