You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
