the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
