is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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