btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
