Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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