Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
