Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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