He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
