"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
