Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
