I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
