i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Everclear isn't food dammit
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
