Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She bit a glass in half.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
