woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
