Who did Billy Mays play for?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
