you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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