She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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