i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
