My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
