im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
