I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize