he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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