Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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