i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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