I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
