Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Dignity is for republicans.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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