Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
